Then and Now

So I've decided to call this a "therapy share." Lately I've been struggling with my post eating disorder self. . .I've been in recovery from anorexia/bulimia for about 6 years now and I am having a lot of really hard days where I return to my irrational thinking about myself. I realize that even when I was thin I thought I was hideously fat, but I am convinced that somehow the thinner me was more beautiful, more talented, more likable, a better person, worthy of more love, full of better ideas and definitely just an all around better person. Logically I know this is not the whole truth, I may have felt all of those things, but I was also surviving on Dots and Diet Coke and single handedly keeping the ephedrine company in business. There wasn't a day that went by when I wasn't preoccupied with ME. . .I also am frustratedly realizing that although my recovery from one side of eating disorders is behind me (most days) I have still managed to keep my dependence on food related control in the forefront. I now eat when I'm happy, sad, angry, depressed, scared, or just because I hate eating and can't think of how to beat all this. . .how loser lamespice is that?

what I once thought was my "healthy weight" and out of the scary "too skinny" phase

So now I may lack the confidence and self worth that I so desire and I may need a lot more therapy to get to a healthy weight for me . . . but with my weight gain I have also gained a greater appreciation for the human body. I saw how giving up the anorexic behaviors allowed me to literally grow two amazing human beings inside of me. . .I am amazed each day that God has allowed me the health that I do have, my heart is still working and I was able to have two beautiful children despite all the crazy things i did to destroy this body I dwell in.

Now my "fat" self

So for now, I am a little fat. . .I am a lot unhappy and embarrassed by being fat. . .it feels as terrible as I imagined it would feel when I was beginning recovery . . .and I fight the urges everyday that plague me. . .but I'm fighting and for now that will do . . .

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, [but] it is impossible to find it elsewhere."

Agnes Repplier